Friends First Christian Dating
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One common experience for Christian singles is having romantic feelings for a good friend of the opposite sex. Wanting to date your Christian friend can cause all kinds of confusion and doubts about what to do. On what hand it is exciting to think about dating a great friend. But on the other hand it can be frightening because you might ruin the friendship. What if the desire for a Christian dating relationship might not be reciprocated by the friend that you like?
In this article I will give you 9 tips when considering if you should date your Christian friend or not. I have broken the content up into three sections: When should you try to date your Christian friend? Why should you try to date your Christian friend? And how can you go about initiating this new Christian dating relationship with your good friend?
When Should You Take the Risk and Try to Date Your Christian Friend?
- You should try to date your Christian friend when you truly like this person as more than a friend and your feelings are not going away.
I’m not against going out on a lighthearted date with someone if you want to see if you two have potential as a Christian couple. As long as you are in a season where you are prepared to marry if God brought the right person into your life, I believe dating can he a healthy activity if you hope to have a Christian marriage one day.
However, when it comes to dating a good friend, I don’t believe this decision should be made so lightheartedly. So the first sign that you should perhaps start pursuing a Christian dating relationship with a good friend is if you have strong feelings for this person and they are not going away.
Don’t just flippantly go on a date with anyone as a Christian. But you should be even extra cautious if you already have a good friendship with someone because dating will change the friendship forever.
- You should try to date your good Christian friend when you are ready to accept that it will change your friendship in an irreversible way.
When it comes to relationships, I believe it is much more natural to progress in a relationship rather than go back to the way things once were. Once you enter into a romantic relationship or even express romantic interest in a friend, the friendship will not be the same.
I’m not saying you will lose this person as a friend or you will hate each other if a dating relationship doesn’t work out. My point is that once you cross that friendship-line and then try to go back to the way things were before you crossed that line, it really is never the same.
For reasons we will discuss further in this article, I don’t think this is always a bad thing. This reality of relationships between males and females, however, is just something you have to accept. If you are prepared to risk the friendship, which many times you should be, then it might be time to try dating this person.
- You should try to date your good Christian friend when you know you have taken your friendship as far as it can go and there is now an imbalance between your intimacy and commitment towards one another.
One sign that helped me know it was time for Bethany and I to start dating rather than just remain close friends was when I knew we had taken our friendship to the maximum level of healthy boundaries for a guy and girl. We were talking on the phone a lot and emailing each other a lot (we lived in different states) and it was obvious our connection was no longer matching our commitment level.
One huge relationship principle I believe is biblical is that your commitment and intimacy level should always correlate. In friendship this means you should not appear to have the intimacy of a boyfriend and girlfriend when you are still technically “just friends.”
So you should start pursuing a dating relationship when you can no longer serve each other in a healthy way in friendship. All guy and girl friendships eventually reach that point where they need to move forward or move backwards because staying as intimate friends is like staying in no-man’s-land. You are not dating each other but you are so close to one another you are probably scaring off any other potential suitors.
I believe it’s healthy to just be friends when there’s still more intimacy and connections that can be made in a healthy way through friendship. You don’t want to rush the dating season and miss the healthy parts of friendship. But eventually remaining friends will have diminishing returns and it would be better to move on together or take a step back from one another.
Why Should You Try to Date Your Good Christian Friend?
- You should try to date your friend if you believe he or she will be a godly spouse and not just an enjoyable companion.
One of the tricky parts about deciding to date a friend or not is that friendship can often blind us to someone’s true character. If this person does not possess the qualities of godly spouse, no matter how great of friends you are with him or her, you should not enter into a Christian dating relationship with this person.
Friendship and enjoying someone socially is really important if you want a healthy Christian marriage one day. However, this person’s character and commitment to Christ is more important than the enjoyment you get from one another (1 Corinthians 15:33). A personal connection is not enough to sustain two people for the ups and downs of real life that will occur over the decades of a Christian marriage.
- Entering into a Christian dating relationship with a friend is a good idea because friendship is a great foundation for a Christian marriage.
Sometimes the best options for dating and marriage are right under your nose. Sometimes people complain about there not being many good options for Christian dating. However, if you have a Christian friend of the opposite sex that you really enjoy, it might be worth praying about dating this person.
It might feel strange at first because you haven’t thought of this friend in a romantic way before, but if you give it a try sometimes your feelings with change and you will see him or her in a different light. So if you want a Christian relationship but it doesn’t seem like there are many options, perhaps take a look at your friends to see if there is any potential there.
- You should consider dating your Christian friend because all guy and girl friendships eventually change anyways.
Point 5 may cause some of you uneasiness because in point 2 we talked about how dating will certainly change your friendship in an irreversible way. So it can seem like too big a risk to try and start dating a Christian guy or girl that you truly value as a friend. While I don’t disagree, I also think you should consider the fact that eventually your friendship will change anyway once one of you starts dating someone.
Not only will your dating relationship change your friendship, it is also true that any dating relationship one of you gets involved with will change your friendship. And once one of you gets married, your friendship should change even more. Guy and girl friendships are not built to last. Something is wrong if a husband or wife spends lots of time with friends of the opposite sex without their spouse present like they are still single.
I’m not against single guys and girls spending one on one time like some Christians are who hold to a courting model for Christian relationships. However, I am against close friendships for guys and girls who are in a relationship or are married to someone else. This can present unhealthy risks and temptations. Even if it doesn’t for some, is it really worth the risk and the perception it creates? I don’t believe it is. Hanging out in group settings with friends of the opposite sex is healthy. But if you are married and still close with a friend of the opposite sex and your spouse is not really involved in this friendship, I believe this is in not appropriate.
My point is this: if you are worried about ruining a friendship if the dating relationship doesn’t work out, you should remember that this friendship is not built to last anyway. If you share your feelings for your friend and he or she does not feel the same way, things will probably be weird. But rest assured you two were not going to be great friends for too long anyways. One of you is probably going to start dating and get married soon and your friendship would be pretty much over at that point anyway.
I’m not trying to be cold or make you sad, it’s just reality. Guy and girl friendships are not built to last and are usually very seasonal and short-term.
So flee youthful passions and pursue righteousness, faith, love, and peace, along with those who call on the Lord from a pure heart.” (2 Timothy 2:22)
How Should You Start Moving Towards Dating Your Christian Friend?
- If you are thinking about taking the risk and making a move on your Christian friend, ask your other friends what they think first.
I don’t think this step is required but I do think it is a wise idea to at least ask other people who know you both about their thoughts of you two dating. Again, because transitioning from friendship to dating is more complicated and presents more social risks when a friendship is involved, it might be helpful to get other people’s advice on what you should do or not do.
If everyone is saying it’s a terrible idea, this doesn’t mean you have to listen to them. However, I do think it would be wise to seriously listen to those who can see the situation from an objective view point. Perhaps you are just missing something. Perhaps this person really likes someone else or you just don’t have any chance. If this is the case, it’s probably best to retain the friendship rather than making things awkward for no reason.
- If you are serious about transitioning from friendship into a Christian dating relationship, you will have to have a DTR talk.
A Christian DTR talk (define the relationship talk) is something that has to happen whenever two Christians need to transition from one phase to the next in their relationship. If you want to move from friends to being a Christian dating couple, from being a dating couple to engagement, and whenever there needs to be a big shift in the relationship, a DTR talk is a must.
- If you share your feelings for a Christian friend, give this person time before expecting them to answer about dating you.
Sometimes both people know it’s obviously time to start dating. In those cases the other person might be able to give you their answer right away. When I shared my feelings for my wife and asked her to be my girlfriend, I made sure she knew she could have time to think and pray about it. But she told me she didn’t need time because she had already prayed about it and was ready to start a Christian dating relationship with me.
This isn’t always the case. So prepare yourself if your friend is taken off guard. Let him or her know that they have plenty of time to think and pray about this. My only advice would be that you make sure the two of you actually come back to this conversation rather than pretending like it never happened. While the friendship will probably never be the same anyway, it will be needlessly even more awkward if you two just avoid each other now rather than just having a mature conversation about it not working out romantically.
Christian Dating Advice: Should You Date Your Friend?
Two are better than one, because they have a good reward for their toil. For if they fall, one will lift up his fellow. But woe to him who is alone when he falls and has not another to lift him up! Again, if two lie together, they keep warm, but how can one keep warm alone? And though a man might prevail against one who is alone, two will withstand him—a threefold cord is not quickly broken.” (Ecclesiastes 4:9-12)
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- by Stephen W. Simpson, PhDCopyright Christianity Today International
- 20193 Oct
There are some myths out there that people assume to be gospel about dating, especially among Christians. Christian culture is like any other in that we develop truisms that we accept without verifying. There are 'Christian dating' ideas floating around that have little or nothing to do with the Bible.
Most are well intended and contain a nugget of truth. Some are flat-out wrong. Dating is hard enough without sifting through all this erroneous information, so let's debunk some myths around Christian dating. There are plenty of them, but let's focus on what I believe are the top five myths that make dating harder for Christian singles.
Christian Dating Myth #1: 'God has one woman and one man picked out for you to marry. You are destined to be with that one person, and God will guide you to her or him.'
Good luck finding this one in the Bible. There is plenty of stuff about God's will for his people, God wanting good things for you, and God's ultimate plan. Nowhere, however, does it say that God picked out a spunky brunette whom he's waiting to spring on you at the right moment. I'm not saying that he doesn't. When it comes to God, I'm pretty careful about saying what he does or doesn't do. But I do know this— if you rely on this idea too much, your dating life will get really confusing.
Some Christians take a lot of comfort in the idea that God will do the heavy lifting when it comes to dating. God will tell them if a relationship is right, and God will end it if it's not. All they have to do is sit back and enjoy the ride. This may be the biggest excuse men use for being lazy in relationships, much less finding one.
German theologian Dietrich Bonhoeffer addresses this issue in a wedding sermon he wrote for his sister from a Nazi jail cell. He says that God joins the relationship between a man and a woman at the point of marriage. Before that, the couple has to take the initiative.
Rather than directing the course of the relationship, God wants the couple to grow and learn how to make a commitment. Once they've done that, God increases his sustaining presence.
I'm not saying that God doesn't have a will regarding your dating life. God may, in fact, have a spunky brunette in mind, and he's steering you toward her as you read this. But the Bible does not promise that God will provide a loving relationship for you while you sit around and do nothing.
But, as in all things, it's best to ask for his guidance. The Bible promises he will provide that whenever we ask. Rely on God's love, wisdom, and sustaining presence while you're dating. Though God won't do all the work for you, he'll be with you every step of the way.
The good news is that most men don't have a problem with this. Regardless of your theology on the Predestination of Girlfriends, you're probably eager to be an active participant in your dating life. This brings us to our next myth.
Christian Dating Myth #2: 'The Bible has clearly defined guidelines for dating.'
People didn't date in biblical times, there is no such thing as 'Biblical Dating'. Dating as a socially accepted means of finding a mate has been around for less than a century. Before that, strict courtship rituals governed the path to marriage. Whom you married wasn't even up to you most of the time.
Falling in love before you got married or engaged is a twentieth-century concept. Dating as we know it occurred after marriage. In college, I had an older professor from Japan whose marriage had been arranged. He made fun of modern dating, saying, 'By the time you get married now, the fun is over. In an arranged marriage, the fun starts after the wedding!' (No, that wasn't a suggestion for you to set up an arranged marriage.)
For the Hebrews and the early church, dating wasn't an issue to be addressed in Scripture. Sex and marriage were, but not dating. When the Bible was written, a person basically had one of three options: remaining single, an immoral life with multiple partners or prostitutes, or an arranged marriage.
There were courtship rituals in place, but nothing that looks like what we consider dating today.
The church has reached a difficult crossroads when it comes to pre-marriage romance. We no longer have rituals of courtship and arranged marriage to guide us every step of the way. This leaves a lot of room for error. It's also spawned a whole range of opinions and advice on how to handle dating. One glance at the numerous books about love, dating, and marriage suggests that we're making a lot of this up as we go along.
Of course, there are biblical principles that are essential to dating. If you follow the biblical prescriptions for gentleness, respect, sexual purity, and kindness (Gal. 5:19-23), you are bound to make much better decisions in dating situations. Your head and your heart should be in Scripture at all times, but you won't find specific guidelines for dating. Is it okay to kiss before marriage? The answer isn't in the Bible (though the Song of Solomon sure gives us a clue).
How about going out on dates alone? Nope, not in there either. The Bible provides some crucial relational principles but doesn't address the specifics.
This requires more decision-making on your part. You can't follow antiquated courtship rituals anymore. (At least I don't advise it. Asking a woman's father if you can date his daughter without consulting her first might be a good way to never get a first date.)
You also don't have a scriptural field manual that tells you how to behave in every situation. It's up to you to be in prayer and conversation with your Christian community about these things. You're going to have to think, talk, pray, and be ready to make some mistakes. Speaking of mistakes, let's look at our next myth.
Christian Dating Myth #3: 'God will reveal to you the man or woman that you are going to marry the instant you meet him or her.'
If this is true, I screwed up somewhere. I thought my wife was out of my league when I met her. We had a nice conversation, but I left thinking that she wouldn't go out with a guy like me. Regardless, I didn't get a divine telegram saying, 'She's the one! Start picking out china patterns!'
Waiting for God to whack you on the head and tell you whom to marry isn't faith; it's fear. Many people want nothing to do with dating because of the risk and potential pain that it involves. This is certainly understandable, as dating can have traumatic results in unhealthy circumstances. But what do you think serves us better in the long run? Growing and suffering in the process of learning or a revelation that lets us off the hook?
I would have loved to know that the beautiful woman I was talking to would one day be my wife, but I might not have worked as hard to earn her hand in marriage. I would have missed a lot of experiences that made me a better man.
Be careful if you think God has told you that Betty from the bookstore is the one for you, but you have no idea if she feels the same way. If you plunge in, convinced that you are on a mission from God, and she's not sure yet, it's a quick way to scare her off. Our unconscious mind can kick up powerful feelings that sometimes get mistaken for a message from God.
Maybe she was nicer to you than anyone you've met in a long time. Maybe she's the first woman you ever met that likes Cracker Jacks as much as you do. Or maybe she's just drop-dead gorgeous. Of course, a woman who's nice, white-hot cute, and likes Cracker Jacks might be someone you want to ask on a date. I just wouldn't go ring shopping yet. Especially if you want a second date.
Christian Dating Myth #4: 'You have to be friends with a man or woman before you can date.'
This is the point where I might tick off some of you, so allow me to assuage your anger before I explain this myth. I am not saying that you cannot or should not be friends before dating. I'm also not talking about a man and a woman who are interested in each other and agree to be friends for a period before dating.
Some of the most successful relationships begin in friendship. Sometimes you don't even know you want to date someone until you are friends with her. I've met couples who were friends for years and then fell in love. It's a super way to start a relationship. The problem is that a lot of men think the best way to pursue a woman is to befriend her while hiding their interest in dating her. This is a rotten idea and sets a lot of men up for trouble.
Tommy was a client of mine who tried this approach. He had been interested in a woman at his church for a few months, but he was terrified of rejection. So he made his best effort to become her friend, never letting on that he wanted to be her boyfriend. He gave her rides to church, had coffee with her, and talked to her on the phone two or three times a week. Whenever she needed help or support, Tommy was there.
But he never asked her out. Then another man in the church asked her out, and she accepted. When she shared the news with Tommy, he was devastated. He told her about his true feelings, and she was shocked. She was hurt that he didn't tell her sooner and expressed regret that he'd never asked her out. However, she refused to back out of the date with the other guy. It proved the end of their friendship, and Tommy retreated into frustration and despair.
You have to be honest about what you're doing. Don't kid yourself and don't lie to her. Be friends all you want, but if you want to date her, she needs to know and you need to ask her out.
Some people distinguish 'dating' from 'friendship' based on one thing: physical intimacy. More specifically, kissing. A man and a woman who are interested in each other remain 'friends' by going out only on group dates and refraining from intimate contact of any description. Apparently, this means they aren't dating. Whatever.
Friendship and dating are categorically different. Of course, you must be friends with the person you date, but there's much more to it. The emotional 'heat' that occurs between people in a romantic relationship is both more exhilarating and more complicated than friendship.
People have higher expectations for someone they're considering for marriage. Friendship cannot contain the emotions, intensity, and intimacy that dating does. If you and a woman are hot for each other, you aren't 'just friends.' I don't care if you go out on dates alone or with the whole church choir.
It also doesn't matter if you wear a HAZMAT suit and stay ten feet away from her at all times. If romance is the goal of a man and woman's relationship, they are dating. Confuse it with friendship at your peril.
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Christian Dating Myth #5: 'A man's sexuality is a ravenous, snarling beast that should be kept in a cage until he's married.'
I admit I've never heard it put that way, but the implication is out there. Any lecture or book on dating inevitably includes something about sex (and, yes, this one does too). Frequently, the message is 'Control yourself! Your sex drive is out to get you! It's just waiting for one weak moment to jump out and turn you into a nymphomaniac and demolish your soul.'
And then we wonder why so many Christians end up with sexual problems, both before and after marriage.
The Bible tells us to save sex for marriage (1Cor. 7:2). That's crucial. But you knew that already. The problem is we tend to emphasize this prohibition and leave it at that. No one talks about sexuality before marriage because sex before marriage is bad.
This leaves us with a small problem. Our sexuality is part of who we are from the moment we're born. If you take away a man's sexuality, you take away his identity. Your sexuality will be there, playing an active role, from the moment you ask a woman out.
In fact, without sexuality, men wouldn't date. They'd play video games and eat pizza. Our sexuality is what gets us interested in women in the first place, and that's a good thing.
Did you think God gave you a sex drive just to torture you until you got married? There are plenty of things God does that I don't understand, but he's not cruel.
Many people confuse sexual drives with sinful desires. Though sexual drives, like all drives, can become sinful, they're holy in their raw state. Yes, I said holy. Your sex drive comes from God. If you don't think that makes it holy, take it up with him.
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The trick we have to pull off is holy, healthy expression of our sexuality before marriage. It's not easy, but it can be done. It will look different for different people, but it needs to be expressed. Otherwise, it will force its way out.
Look at the crisis of Internet pornography running rampant through the church. Men are dying for a way to embrace and express their sex drives. You can't ignore your sexuality, and you can't white-knuckle your way through life until your wedding night. Your sexuality isn't bad. It's not sinful or dirty. It's a gift from God, and we need to figure out a way to embrace that gift before marriage.
Excerpted from What Women Wish You Knew About Dating: A Single Guy's Guide to Romantic Relationships. Used by permission of Baker Books, a division of Baker Publishing Group, copyright ©2008. All rights to this material are reserved. Materials are not to be distributed to other web locations for retrieval, published in other media, or mirrored at other sites without written permission from Baker Publishing Group.http://www.BakerPublishingGroup.com
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